I wrote a brief reply tweet, but thought that it was worth expanding my thoughts a bit.It’s sad that some men have to ask if a provider will see their race. I couldn’t image having to deal with that type of discrimination. I can’t image why some ladies would deny a client based on race. Shit has got me fucked up 💔— Emma Lee (@EmmaLee_Riley) September 6, 2018
I first started seeing providers as a client when I was in college in the mid 1990s. The small town that I went to school in had what was, for all intents and purposes, a brothel on the northern edge of town. I didn't know what it was at the time; I was a horny 18 and 19 year old when I learned about the place from the nascent internet and was riding my bike five miles one way to receive some companionship.
I was young and in much better shape, but I was also black. And in a rural college town, especially on the outskirts of said town, I still felt like I had to be careful. And I was always wary of possible rejection.
Fast forward a couple of years. I have moved on to get my graduate degree in another small college town in a different state, but I had access to one of the largest cities in the country a couple of hours away. And the internet again provided me with a conduit to learning about different providers. This time I was seeing independent ladies that had their own web pages as well as a couple of (now legacy) provider sites that had message boards and ad pages for the ladies.
Same thing as I have moved through a couple of other states. Using the review/chat boards and the ladies websites as research tools to determine who I want to meet with—and also determine who would meet with me.
I have been fortunate, as a fat guy, to have never been rejected for my weight. It has never been an issue (at least as far as I know) in any of the sessions I have had.
Being black has also not been a hindrance, but the way I deal with that is to be upfront first.
Part of it comes from the initial vetting process. Some of that has changed because technology has advanced. Gone are the days of chatting with a potential provider on Yahoo Messenger to get to know them (which I did with my legit all time favorite). Twitter somewhat fills that gap as far as getting to know a woman a bit, even if it is simultaneously deeply personal and oddly impersonal.
If she has a website, then I usually spend some time reading that. Checking out an Amazon wishlist helps as well as far as giving insight into personal taste, likes and dislikes.
Of course, when it is time to book, I find myself asking the question, and phrasing it this way:
"I have to ask, because it is an issue for some: Are you okay with seeing African-American clients or not? If not, I understand and I wish you well."
Wait a minute, you might say. Why are you asking that? Why do you have to ask that? It's fucked up that you have to ask that.
It's true. It does feel fucked up. And if I ever hear back at the prebooking phase, "No, I don't" I might be crushed for a minute if it is someone I really wanted to see.
But the kind of work that escorts/courtesans/companions do is so different, that I don't know if it is fair to accuse all of them immediately of malicious discrimination.
A critical component of the transaction is the level of connection, to me. I don't want someone who really doesn't want to see black men to feel like they have to make an exception. I don't really want to know the reasons why they don't want to see black men, either. A simple no I don't is enough for me to keep it moving.
Some might say (and presented the case in their responses to the tweet at the top) that it's because of a post-traumatic experience that the provider may have had with a prior client of color.
Some might say (apocryphally) that it's because black clients tend to push boundaries more and are rougher. (This, by the way, is negative stereotyping and verges on racial profiling.)
Whatever the reason, it is not the hill I choose to die on. For some of these things, I cannot be the one who will, by my lonesome, change your mind. I'm not the magical negro that some folks probably think I should be or could be.
What I will do, though, is do my research and find people who want to see me for me.
That's what I can control, and that is what I will control.
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